Wednesday, 5 September 2012

Open letter to Father Lucie

It's taken me some time to write this letter as I am a devout believer in Christ and Moses just as our Maltese saviour was. So I take my time to send off missives to errant clerics. I'm doing exactly like Moses, who took his time with Aaron, his erring brother and Christ, who waited till quite late to do something about the Judases in his midst.
We have lost our own upright anchorman—Joe Grima— just because he told you to go get some pervs to show you the ropes.
I find it mystifying and gruesome and horribly unchristian that the ropes of some bells have put our sturdy Joe in this position. And even worse is the thought that our Joseph—a leader of amazing strength and unwavering principles—has had to accept the anchor's resignation.
It's so fitting that these two big bulwarks of straight talking both share such a great name. Joseph was the biblical boy who first shot to power and stardom under the Egyptians then went on to get the Jews out of their slavery and into some form of liberation. Exactly the same as Joseph and Joe are destined to do here on this barren, weather-beaten rock which has withstood the ravages of a Gonzi-led clique of evil-doers. Only a Joseph and a Joe can see us out of our suffering and deliver us back to the land of old and plenty. Then you come along and with your words of disrespect cause all this mayhem.
He—our Joe Grima, anchorman supreme—showed class even in his oratory and words against you. You—who were ordained and thus supposedly holy—are ordinary and crass.
Our Joseph—the leader—is amazing. And he said something beautiful. Yes, because his words are pure poetry. All his deeds are those of prophets, seers and supreme beings. Only he can don the mantle of the Dom and give us back our hope and our belief in ourselves. Malta needs hope and mellifluous words. And we have it in Joseph.
Joseph has stated that the face of the labour party is not that of Joe Grima. Now I hope you will not go and scribble (t─žarbex sounds ever so more apt) some silly words about this face of the labour party. Mind you no one ever reads your newspaper which should speak of our saviour (the Dom) in reverential words if it is really a Christian paper. I, for one, never even read your article about our beloved saviour, but if Joe Grima has asked you to be damned (in, I accept, much more melodious words than mine) then I know, without doubt, that all you have said is bilge and slimy stuff not worth reading.
I expect you to ignore me and write about this face image our leader used, which, you will undoubtedly find easy to say, has a few strange connotations. You will now surely say that the face of the movement might not be of Joe Grima but deep down if you scratch away the face you get Mintoff's old-style party, replete with brashness and complete disregard of what is sensible and sensitive. I know you wish harm on our party and our real leaders. You will write that if you remove the veneer, the outer covering of smiles and good-natured ways, you will discover a world of rabid mintoffianism.
I imagine your rag will also claim that if Joe or Joseph are ever in power they will do what Mintoff sometimes used to do and ban some newspaper or other because they think it is fomenting untruths about our glorious island. You might also say that we will try withholding this perfidious internet and the ways of the modern world from being left to rampage in modern Malta. You will obviously mention the lie that Mintoff, in his infinite wisdom, had tried stopping faxes and computers from being widely available, or at least that he made it infinitely expensive to buy and use them.
Who uses the fax now anyway? Who even knows what it was used for? See—Mintoff was a genius even in that—he didn't want us hooked on something which was going to be useless a few years later. We saved a lot of money because of him. He was a saving saviour in all senses.
Dear Lucie don't you dare keep fomenting hatred and lies about our glorious past. Because of you we have lost one of the most important voices to appear on our super One station.
We await the election results to turn the tables with Joseph to take over as Prime Minister. He will then immediately call you to come to Malta for a prize. He will immediately bestow on you the first honour of persona non grata. This used to happen often in the times of Dom when we showed the world we feared no one. The Prime Minister will immediately pass on the reins of TVM to he who deserves it most—Joe Grima—who, with a bow and a few expletives, will accept the post.
May you become truly Christian in thought, deed and scribbling.
In Dom we trust,
Lead soldier

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