Tuesday, 28 February 2012

Are the atheists going to burn me?

I'm shaking and I'm quaking in my seat as I contemplate my next move. I never thought this could happen to me—especially in liberal, let's-take-things-easy Malta. I'm typing this in the basement of a hideaway dug-out far from all the angry throngs of attendant atheists, inhumane humanists and unsexy secularists.

I dared say, in my blog, something about the silly atheists (sorry silliness for pairing you with such vileness) and other sods who wish that St Paul hadn't paid us a visit a few thousand years back, during which visit he consigned us a super brand of religion. As a careful—and historically correct—reader of my blog pointed out, we have been for 2000 years very Christian in religion (and ways I'd imagine) except for a short time when we all turned to Islam as our true religion when our Muslim masters were so unchristian to us.

The wrath wreaked on me by the silly atheists was hardly credible. Atheists called a special session of their plenary council and issued an edict against me. The atheist Pope, after reciting the Atheist rosary, called for a vote to prove that all atheists believe implicitly in Him. After the vote He pronounced himself supreme Atheist who was surely and supremely even more infallible than before. Yes the Atheists' vote was incredibly even more resounding than the recent one asking for the PN to reaffirm GonziPN as PM.

For all the unwashed let me explain: in my previous post I dared poke fun at the atheists and they—or at least the ones who comment on the Times online version, and various other enlightened Facebook users—rebuked me for daring to do such horrid things. I also dared say that our erstwhile authorities should—once they wake up from their slumber party—"unearth" a "real" Pauline letter to the Maltese (and Gozitans in case their bishop, in his infinite, sacred sagacity, joins up with the atheists in chasing me into exile or excommunication)saying he enjoyed himself here.

I think the authorities should also issue another "official" Pauline letter saying:
"Dear fellow fundamentalists,
Some bloggers might be witless and hardly worth reading but some just poke fun, even if this fun, I have to admit, is a bit base or baseless. But I—supreme patron of the faith of Malta (and Gozo) —do hereby declare that if my future detractors do not have a sense of humour then maybe they should do like I did circa 2000 years ago and change their faith. No Atheist worth his salt can be naturally fundamentalist—or lack a sense of humour— and it seems to me you will feel more at home and comfortable with the fundamentalist religions of whatever denomination.

You are, obviously, more than welcome to not read any blog or this silly letter of mine but please remember you only have a short stay on this temporal state (unlike us lucky Christians who have a whole eternity of feckless fun, harp-playing and laughter awaiting us) so take it easy, smile and laugh out loud a few times a day. Your gravity astounds and worries us.

Oh, and by the way I did produce the first rabbit stew—was a divine dish with a sprinkling of viper's tongue which I shared with all the population of those dotty isles.

(authentic signature here)
Paul "

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